What Happened to Me? WTF is Wrong With Me?

290.8 lbs. This is the heaviest I have ever knowingly been (there was a period where I didn't have a working scale), and I'm not happy about it. I can offer up excuse after excuse, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm shoving waaaay too much food down my throat.

Wednesday was the bad day this past week. I had actually been inching my way down, and was on track to lose at least 2 lbs this week, maybe more. Instead, on Tuesday I had to stop at the grocery store to get dinner (thus breaking my rule to not shop while hungry), and I picked up one of the deli's XL Turkey sandwiches (about 18 inches of torpedo roll piled high with turkey, cheese, lettuce, etc.), with the idea that I'd have one 6 inch section for dinner with the bagel bites I had already bought, and take the other two sections to lunch on Wednesday. Now, Tuesday I hit the gym after work, so it negated the sandwich and I stayed even on the weight. I had made the oversight of not picking up bagels or something for breakfast, so on Wednesday I started off with not just two bacon wraps from BK, but I got the whole damn value meal! Carbs are baaaaad, and they seem to be the biggest contributor to my weight (tortilla chips, rice, pasta, bread, and so on), and naturally I scarfed down the hashbrowns without a thought. Then came lunch. I ate the first part of the sandwich, and actually felt somewhat satisfied. But I had another really tasty sandwich waiting for me. So of course I ate it, telling myself that when I hit the gym on the way home, it would be fine. That and of course I wasn't going to have much for dinner. Granted, I only had one lean cuisine, but I supplemented it with Pringles of course, and some chocolate cake that DAPGF brought home! Oh, and the gym? Well, the weather has been good, and this is the most convenient 24 Hour Fitness with a pool, so I thought I'd swim laps. Everybody knows that swimming is kick ass exercise, and I figured that I can knock off 20-30 minutes on the elliptical without much of a problem, I should be able to get in 15-20 minutes of swimming without dying in the pool. So to minimize the amount of stuff and changing I would have to do, I decided to forgo the normal workout entirely (cardio, abs, weight) and just do the swimming. So I got to the pool at about 3:50 pm, and had to wait for a lane. For 20 minutes. 20 minutes I could've been doing any kind of physical activity if I'd been thinking about it. Finally a lane opens up. One full lap and I realize that it has been a good 7 months since I'd done any swimming, and jeez am I having a hard time of it. So I struggle through 10 minutes of it, but hell if I can even remember how many lengths I did (12? 16? 20?). So yes, it kicked my ass but unfortunately it wasn't nearly enough to undo the damage I did.

So what do I do now? I've spewed lots of words in this here corner of the interwebs, and some of them I've managed to follow through on, at least for a time, but I need more than words. I need to find the follow-through to make it work. So that's what I'm going to do. No more buying snacks in the middle of the afternoon (like I did on Thursday...don't know how I managed to not gain more than .2 lbs). No more monster meals like that damn sandwich, and no more doubling up my meals (2 lean cuisines instead of 1, etc.). Portion control...that was a key component in my father's recent weight loss, although his current significant other feeds him more that she should, and he's gaining weight again. He would sit down in a restaurant and either move half of the meal off to the side, or have the server box up half of it from the get go. That isn't really an easy option for me, because when I am out to eat, DAPGF and I are (with lunch) usually running errands of some sort or (with dinner) going to see a movie. Either way, food would have to be unrefrigerated and stinking up the car for 1 to 3 hours before I could get it home. And I really can't wrap my head around the idea of just eating half of it and letting the server take away half of a meal that I paid for. I try to be frugal (hell, cheap), and the idea of paying $10 for a BBQ chicken salad or $13 for blackened Tilapia Fish Tacos and throwing half of it away just kills me. So I eat what I order. But the horrible thing, and here DAPGF is truly my enabler, is the bread or tortilla chips that are provided prior to the meal. We tend to go to nicer restaurants, and they all tend to provide some sort of carboriffic experience while we wait for the meal. How can I not partake of freshly baked sourdough bread or tortilla chips with awesome salsa? All I can do is try to slow down and simply not eat as much of it. As to the rest of the meal...I will be even more diligent in what I order, and I will minimize the amount of food that DAPGF will shove off on me (she eats much less than I do). And when I'm not out with DAPGF, I'll stick to my single Lean Cuisine-type meal and try to do nothing else. For the most part, I'm pretty solid in my workout routine, and when I stick to the meal plan that I laid out here, I tend to experience the success that I want (I really do want to succeed and lose weight!). Now, there are two events on the horizon that lead up to the summer beach season. The first is my birthday in early April (go Aries!). DAPGF doesn't really like steak that much, so when I have an opportunity to nom on some dead cow, I take advantage of it. The second is in late April, when some of my cohorts and I will be participating in the Beer Belly Olympics. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Game of bowling, round of golf, darts, billiards, horseshoes, washers, poker, etc., and lots of drinking. I've got to make the losses happen, so that those two events don't do a lot of damage. And to top it off, in honor of my little sister, I'm going to try to go without Diet Coke (or any soda) this weekend. This will not be easy, but I'm going to try. Wish me luck, peeps.